From recognizing toxicity to creating solid support systems, navigating interpersonal relationships in recovery can be tough. One cause of addiction can be environmental factors. Those who have a history of unhealthy friendships, romantic relationships, or family connections might not notice future red flags.
This article discusses how to notice red flags, why it is important to put a hold on dating while in early sobriety, how to choose healthy relationships over toxic ones, and what ways sober living homes like Real Recovery help people practice building healthy relationships.
The Link Between Addiction and Toxic Relationships
It’s common for people who are struggling with addiction to have a long history of toxic and unhealthy relationship dynamics. Those with an addiction might have friends that enable their substance use. They might have a history of trauma from their parents or previous partners.
Those who have a history of unhealthy relationships also tend to reenter unhealthy relationships, experiencing the same relationship problems but with different people. This can be a mixture of low self-esteem and not having great examples of healthy relationship dynamics growing up.
It is easy to continuously choose relationships that feel comfortable, even if they are mimics past unhealthy traits. Choosing something that feels familiar and comfortable doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the right relationship to be in. This is true for both friendships and romantic relationships.
How Addiction Impairs Different Types of Relationships
Every type of relationship is affected differently by substance use and addiction. It is important to shed light on different ways that addiction can interfere with specific relationships and learn healthy ways to navigate them in recovery.
Familial Relationships
Addiction is called a “family disease” because of the deep impact that addiction can have on the family dynamic. Addiction can sever familial bonds by causing resentment, anger, shame, and regret.
Parents of children with addiction find it difficult to see their child struggling with substance use. Spouses may feel the need to pick up the slack when an addicted spouse cannot fulfill family responsibilities, leading to resentment. Children with parents who struggle with addiction can develop childhood trauma or addictive behaviors themselves.
During recovery, the addicted person is left to pick up the pieces after addiction has wrecked family relationships. For this reason, in AA and other twelve-step programs, people are asked to write a list of people with whom they need to make amends. It’s common for people to have family members on their list.
Professional Relationships
Addiction can create problems at work. It is also common that work can contribute to a person developing a substance use disorder. If a person left a job for treatment because of a failed drug test or problems at work, recovery becomes a time where the recently sober person needs to make amends with their bosses and coworkers.
In a new job, a person will need to navigate workplace connections in a way that doesn’t cause stress or trigger relapse. It’s common for coworkers to drink together after work or at office parties. In recovery, an individual needs to learn how to set boundaries with workplace professionals so that work demands or offers don’t get in the way of their sobriety.
Romantic Relationships
Addiction can destroy romantic relationships, and these types of close relationships can become a source of toxicity. A partner might enable an addiction, or also used substances. Many partners will abandon a relationship due to an addiction.
People who struggle with substance use also tend to enter unhealthy relationships or ignore red flags that could signal that a relationship is potentially dangerous. In early recovery from addiction, people are entering a time where it’s vital that they work exclusively on themselves. Even after successful completion of treatment, they still need to get their life back together.
Because of the importance of stability and self-focus in early sobriety, most people in the addiction recovery community recommend that a person wait at least a year before entering into a romantic relationship. This is because even a healthy romantic relationship comes with its own road bumps.
A person who is well adjusted, confident, and thriving in life can still feel the weight of relationship woes. A person in early recovery is in a highly fragile state. They’re still learning how to apply their coping mechanisms to their new life.
A romantic relationship could trigger a relapse or a spiral of emotions that could eventually lead to a relapse. It’s worth waiting this time before dating to allow time to find oneself again. Emotional stability gained over time helps a person enter relationships that are interdependent instead of codependent.
Platonic Relationships
Friendships are especially important during recovery. Friends can be a valuable part of a support system in early recovery. However, it’s important for an individual in recovery to be sure that the people in their life are supportive of their sobriety.
Substance use can be a very social activity, which means that it is common to have friends from before treatment that were a part of substance use. These friends can be dangerous to be around during recovery. Some friends might be completely comfortable with spending time together without involving substance use.
Some friendships were based on substance use, and without it, there may not be much else in common within the friendship. There may be friendships that will not survive the early recovery period. This includes people such as drug dealers, drinking buddies, or friendships based solely on substance use.
Letting go of friendships can be painful. However, letting go of people who don’t promote the goal of sobriety leaves room for people who do. In early recovery, there is space to make new friends and keep them. Plenty of places exist to make deep and meaningful connections with others.
At Real Recovery, residents are required to attend a home group, which is essentially a weekly meeting that aligns with something the recoveree cares about. Homegroups give residents the perfect opportunity to build their social networks and meet people with common interests.
Other places where to make new friends include faith communities, volunteer work, twelve-step groups, sports teams, and new hobbies.
The Key to Healthy Relationships
There are many strategies that individuals can use to better navigate both healthy and unhealthy relationships in recovery. Here are a few suggestions:
Notice Red Flags
Without being taught what a healthy relationship looks like, many enter unhealthy relationships. Usually, in the beginning, there are red flags. It can take practice to end these relationships when the red flags become clear.
If something doesn’t feel right, there is often a reason. While it is reasonable to assume the best about people, it is important to keep in mind that sometimes people don’t have the best judgment.
One example of a red flag would be a person who doesn’t respect boundaries. This person might not violate boundaries outright, but they might in a covert way. They might do something that makes friends uncomfortable, followed by an apology without changing their future behavior. A person also might push friends or coerce them into moving your boundaries for their convenience.
Another example of a red flag is how people treat others. People may make jokes about others in a lighthearted way, but if a person takes it too far, it can have a negative impact on one’s self-esteem.
Over time, jokes may not feel like jokes anymore, damaging the friendship and hurting self-image. If a person is taking the teasing too far, the friend should have an open and clear conversation about how this type of joking makes them feel. If the person brushes it off, minimizes feelings, or reiterates that it was just a joke, it may not be a healthy choice to keep this person as a friend, because they are exhibiting that they don’t respect how their words impact others.
There are plenty more examples of red flags. It can be hard to know how to be treated, especially if with low self-esteem. It is important to remember that healthy relationships shouldn’t leave you feeling less than or not respected.
Have Clear Communication
Relationships can fall apart if they don’t have a healthy foundation to stand on. These foundations are often built on both clear communication and trust between both parties.
Communication is often where things break down, misunderstandings occur and fights begin. Communicating effectively is a skill that must be learned and practiced in order to have healthy relationships. Communication includes knowing how to explain one’s feelings and actions, as well as being able to listen effectively to the other person. Poor communication might cause someone to say something in a way that they don’t mean, or to not be clear about their thoughts, feelings, or intentions.
Communication can also stop others from filling in the gaps where they are missing vital information. If there’s something that seems ambiguous, both parties should be able to clarify their point of view and tell each other the most accurate truth.
Healthy communication includes honesty, trust, and respect. When two people are transparent with each other, then they can move forward with a healthy interpersonal connection.
Set Healthy Boundaries
Sometimes it’s hard to know when to say no, especially if when this isn’t something that a person is used to. People with addiction often aren’t great at setting boundaries with themselves and within relationships.
People must understand and communicate what their limits are, how they expect to be treated, and how much they are willing to give of their time and energy.
Every relationship is going to have a different set of boundaries. The boundaries between romantic partners will be different than between platonic friends.
Some relationships, such as relationships with toxic family members, might need more restrictive boundaries in order to protect the individual and keep their mental health safe.
A person who is new in recovery may be to set boundaries with themselves if they tend to do things that they aren’t comfortable with. Understanding their boundaries involves listening to their gut, as well as assessing values.
Understanding one’s values and what types of boundaries are important may best be done as a written exercise, perhaps with the help of a sponsor or trusted sober friend who can listen and provide honest and constructive feedback.
Entering healthy relationships is important when you are in recovery. Those who struggle with addiction often don’t have the healthiest relationships on any level. They might not know how to say no, or how to honor their own feelings. They might impulsively enter into relationships, chasing good feelings while ignoring the red flags. They might have toxic family members or friends but have decided to accept this reality. In treatment, you learn how to respect yourself and care about who you keep closest. Those with addiction also might not know how to communicate effectively which can lead to a series of problems. In recovery, you will unlearn unhealthy relationship habits instead of settling with what’s most comfortable. Thankfully, in treatment and in recovery you can learn how to use your tools to successfully navigate relationships. To learn more, call us at (727) 290-9156.
