Learning to Accept When a Loved One Refuses Help

Being in recovery and watching a loved one struggle with active addiction is one of the most challenging situations. You have been there, and now you know better. You want the best for them, too. Why can they not see they need help? Have they not seen the changes in you since you sought treatment?

You cannot force someone to get help, though. They have to want to make the changes for themselves. You need to be able to learn to accept what you cannot change and make peace with the fact that your support, love, and personal growth may serve as an inspiration for your loved one to get help eventually.

Watching From the Sidelines

In recovery, you can spot people struggling with addiction quite easily. You will recognize everything about them — their movements, mannerisms, and stories. They may be different from you, but their life and lifestyle will be more than a little too familiar. You will likely have compassion for them and an overwhelming desire to help.

Now imagine that they are someone you love, clearly struggling with an addiction to substances. Yet, they refuse to get help. All you can do is watch from the sidelines, like witnessing a train with a loved one on it, speeding toward certain destruction — a trainwreck. You want to stop the train, to help them get off before it is too late, but they refuse. After all that you have been through to become clean and sober, it can seem too much to bear. How do you watch that and not intervene?

Offering Help and Being Rejected

You have been there, done that. You know that having been in addiction, the last thing you want to do is get help. Still, you reach out to your loved one anyway, as carefully as possible, because this is someone you care deeply about. You offer support in the most sincere way possible, hoping for the best.

As painful as it is to watch your loved one in addiction, the sting of being rejected may hurt even more. Maybe this is payback for all of those times people in your life tried to help you, and you refused, but that is no comfort for you now. Watching someone you love suffering from active addiction when you know you have the answers to help is heartbreaking — especially when they refuse your help.

Not Taking the Rejection Personally

As you tried to offer your loved one help for their addiction, you may have even opened up and shared your personal experiences and tried to show them how your life has improved. Indeed, a personal invitation rejected is difficult not to take personally. However, keep in mind that their rejection was likely less about you and much more about their addiction.

According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), in 2018, 2.4 million people ages 12 and older received substance use treatment at a specialty facility in the preceding year. Sadly, that total was only about 11.1% of those who needed treatment for substance abuse. So, while unfortunate, it is improbable that you are the only loved one in this situation. Each year, millions of people who need treatment do not access it.

Because of the very nature of addiction and what it does to the brain, very few people ever want to seek help of their own volition. Perhaps your own story is similar, in that a severe life event forced you into treatment, not the sincere efforts of loving people in your life. Whichever way it happened for you, it is important to remember not to take the rejection of this person personally.

Avoiding Reliving Your Past Vicariously

In addition to not taking the rejection personally, it will be important not to relive your past vicariously through your loved one. Getting too close to anyone in active addiction can endanger your recovery. The last thing you need is relapse.

Sometimes the temptation is there to use your loved one as an excuse to live your past through them, remembering how it felt to be in active addiction. Remember that “as a man thinks, so is he.” You have already mentally relapsed when you allow yourself to start reminiscing about your past in addiction.

Not Letting Their Actions Trigger Relapse

Once you have offered to help your loved one to no avail, you would be wise to keep your distance while they are still in active addiction. Trying to be their friend and hang out with them could lead you down a dangerous road back into active addiction. No matter how strong your resolve is, no matter how long you have been clean and sober, their actions could trigger your own relapse.

Developing mutual respect and respect for one another’s choices is ideal in a situation where you have both chosen different paths. You do not need to buy into their choice or perseverate on their reasoning for their choice. Ultimately, the decision is one that they make. Likewise, your choice to be in recovery is your choice to make, and you already know that it is the better option for you.

Knowing What You Know and Feeling Helpless

A little knowledge goes a long way, but a personal understanding of what it is like to suffer from addiction and then be in recovery is compelling. In contrast, to have that powerful knowledge and know that someone you love is unwilling to take advantage of it can leave you feeling quite helpless.

How does the saying go? You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink. No matter how much you love that horse, he will refuse that life-saving water because it is his choice. No matter how helpless that makes you feel, each person has the ability to choose for themselves. You made a decision, and now you have to allow them to be free to make their own as well.

When You Love Someone, Set Them Free

The very best that you can do is offer your loved one the information you have and then allow them to make their own decision. Then, set them free. As painful as it might be when you hear “no,” you have done your part in educating them about their options and can now step back with a clean conscience.

Setting someone free means letting go. While it is true that they have the choice to return someday, you cannot cling to that hope. They have made their choice, and any consequences of that choice are now their own. You have made your case and can now step back and let them fly free to make their own decisions.

Making Peace With Other People’s Decisions

When you can truly accept another person’s free will and decision as to their own, you will find peace. No matter how hard it may be for you to see someone that you love make a decision that appears destructive or not in their best interest, having the “serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference” will afford you the peace that you need.

Turning the lens of focus back to yourself, looking at you and your own decisions, and seeing where you can make better choices and decisions in your own life will help you make peace. While you should not stop caring about those you love, you also need to continue to take care of yourself. Making peace with yourself will help you make peace with other people’s decisions.

Lighting the Way for Others Through Personal Growth

The most powerful way to overcome a painful situation such as a loved one who will not seek help for their addiction is to live your recovery authentically. Channel your pain into personal growth by becoming better and more purposeful in your own healing. In doing so, you can light the path for others by your compelling example.

How can you set an example for others by stepping up your recovery? Here are some ways:

• Take inventory of your daily routines and find ways to improve
• Review your 12-Steps and continue your work on them
• Have a heart-to-heart with your sponsor about how you can improve
• Set new recovery goals for yourself
• Attend at least one more meeting per week
• Get involved or volunteer at your sober living home or support meetings
• When you are ready, become a sponsor
• Educate others about substance abuse and recovery
• Start a recovery exercise or special interest-themed group

These are just a few examples of things you can do to make yourself a fearless warrior in recovery, someone who people notice and want to emulate. Your model may not change the minds of everyone you love, but you may inspire others through your personal growth. You never know who is watching you and what kind of example you are to others in your life.

The Power of Your Love and Support

Above all else, never stop loving the people in your life, especially those struggling with addiction. You do not have to be close to them to love and support them. You do not need to condemn their choices or treat them poorly because you have made different choices. You can be nonjudgmental and love and keep them from a distance. They may not realize it now in active addiction, but the power of your love and support will reach them at some point, and they will remember you for it.

Most importantly, you will be remembered for your fearless example through everything. Standing up silently and being your brave, unapologetic self in recovery says more than a million invitations to join you ever could. You will find that by focusing on your own recovery, you can better accept the choices of others as well.

No matter how difficult or painful it may be when a loved one refuses help for addiction, you can make peace with their decision. By offering your love, support, and the example of your personal growth, you may serve as the inspiration for them to get treatment in the future. You may even serve as a model for someone else to get help. Real Recovery Sober Living in Florida knows the importance of being authentic and accountable for your recovery. Our men’s sober living homes are clean and affordable, and we create an environment with accountability and stability. We offer experience, strength, and hope as you rebuild your life in recovery. Our mission is to provide a safe and stable recovery environment with a strong community support system to help men transition successfully into the REAL world. Find out more about how we can help you by calling (727) 290-9156 today.