Regaining Trust NOW During Recovery: 10 Ways Addiction Fractures Relationships

Trust: Before struggling with an addiction to drugs or alcohol, we may have had healthy relationships with our parents, siblings, friends, or significant others. Whether or not those close to us were aware of our use initially, addiction is a progressive disease, and changes in behavior are inevitable. We might actively try to hide our addiction from those around us. We might lie about what we did while running errands. We might use every trick in the book to keep drinking or using drugs. This, of course, fractures relationships.

Addiction causes a slow erosion in the strength of our relationships. What once was a relationship filled to the brim with trust is now devoid of it. After we embrace sobriety and have some time in recovery, we may recognize the pain that our addiction has inflicted on those we love. We want to win back their trust, but how?

Regaining trust with loved ones during your recovery takes time. We must come to terms with our actions. We must be able to admit our wrongdoings and make amends. We must listen to those we have harmed, and try to make things right.

Addiction Causes Changes in Behavior That Create Distrust

Our behaviors in active addiction are a driving factor that leads to distrust in our relationships.

When in the throes of our disease, we sometimes go to any length to achieve the next high, lying to friends and loved ones or even stealing from them. Friends, family, and partners come to realize the changes in our behavior, which become even more apparent if and when we are under the influence of a substance.

While under the influence of drugs or alcohol, we are not as capable of effectively managing emotions such as anger or sadness. We may randomly lash out at loved ones or unexpectedly break down, eliciting cause for concern. As much as we try and hide it, these highs and lows are exacerbated by intoxication. From a sober perspective, our problems are clear to the people aware of what we are going through.

The longer we stay in active addiction, the more others in relationships with us realize these addictive behaviors are becoming a part of us. Loved ones may be forced to detach with love and set boundaries to protect themselves. Some may offer help, and others will shy away. Ultimately it will depend upon how much broken trust they can bear.

Coming to Terms With How Addiction Changes Our Personality

Truly realizing how our personalities change during active addiction can be a touchy subject. When we use substances, we might only see the change in our character when we are at our worst—when we steal from those closest to us to buy more drugs or alcohol, or when we create every excuse in the book to get out of the house to meet up with our using friends. In general, though, it is a rare occurrence that we will self-reflect when under the influence.

We might feel shame, regret, and recognize wrongdoing, but unless we see addiction for what it is—a disease—these emotions may be fleeting.

Only when we come to terms with addiction being a disease that we need to heal from will we be able to succeed in recovery. Fortunately, our addict selves do not represent a permanent change in our personalities.

Our addiction tells us we must keep using to survive. It demands of us. It is loud and relentless. It supersedes any idea that we should take care of our mental or physical well-being, and most of all, our relationships with loved ones. Getting past this mental block requires help. Getting help to stop using or drinking is difficult as it has pressed us on these fronts we have avoided for so long. However, reaching out for help is nothing to feel shame over. It is acknowledging the problem at hand and resolving to fix it.

How to Approach Loved Ones About Past Behaviors

We want to reconnect with our loved ones after coming to terms with our addiction and choosing to live a sober life. In recovery, we may be unsure how we should approach those who have suffered from our past mistakes. Relationships have been strained. They also may no longer exist entirely. Figuring out the best, non-confrontational way to go about repairing fractured relationships is key.

Doing so requires understanding what each person wants in a relationship with us. To know what they want out of a relationship with us, we need to identify first what the relationship is. Are they a parent, significant other, friend, or something else?

A parent might want to see us happy, successful, and self-sustained. Alcohol and drugs got in the way of all these elements of life. Abstaining from substances reduces our chances of developing mental disorders, which subsequently positively affects us in day-to-day life. Was depression a proponent in the struggle to hold down a job? We cannot guarantee our psychological ailments will just disappear overnight; however, we know that a total reduction in the consumption of substances will help and not harm us.

It gives us a chance to improve ourselves. Coming out of the mental fog that addiction creates allows us to think more clearly. We might further our chances of success in fighting depression or another mental disorder by seeking out behavioral therapy or other types of counseling. This is just one example of a change that a parent might expect of their child, that their child is doing well in life and they don’t need to worry.

Repairing Friendships in Recovery

Maintaining friendships while battling addiction is another issue. These particular relationships come in all shapes and sizes. Not every friend is part of every friend group. Some friends are selfish, and others reciprocate. It is necessary for our recovery to put ourselves first and be a little bit selfish. In early recovery, we are especially vulnerable to relapse. We must separate ourselves from toxic friendships that encourage relapse.

We should be proud of our strides in recovery and stick by our supportive friends. Friends are people who care about the things we value. Recovery is an integral part of setting life back on track. The best way to approach friends about past destructive behaviors that were driven by addiction is by being honest. Listen and adhere to the boundaries they set. Understand they do not want to be taken advantage of like they may have been in the past.

Every relationship takes time and patience to rebuild after being severed or damaged due to addiction. Most of all, the relationship shared with a significant other is susceptible to distrust and the inability to be mended. Romantic love in active addiction is often rife with codependency. It can be dangerous to our recovery if we have suffered from a lack of boundaries with our partners and caused unintentional harm in the process.

We must better understand addiction as a disease, and understand how that informs our relationships. Each party accepting recovery for what it is means reforming the biases that may be held about one another prior to sobriety. Sobriety comes from the stepping stone of acknowledging self-love as an essential part of life. Without self-love, romantic love does not exist.

Guided Approach From the 12-Step Process for Repairing Relationships

In 12-Step communities, making amends with loved ones, as well as admitting to loved ones the nature of our wrongdoings, is a key part of the recovery journey. To be successful in this, we must follow the steps themselves. Attending Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings strengthens and emboldens our decision to remain sober and stick to the process. By not following the 12-Step process thoroughly, we run the risk of self-sabotaging our progress, whether intentionally or not. As such, we must be careful of over-eagerness getting the better of our situation.

To thoroughly review and work the 12 Steps, we need a mentor or sponsor who has already completed them. A sponsor serves as a guide and helpful interpreter of the 12-Step process.

Repairing relationships is perhaps best summarized in the Eighth and Ninth Steps. Step Eight states, “We made a list of all people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.” Step Eight asks us to reflect on the pain we have caused others as a result of our addiction. We must survey the damage we have done in our lives not to wallow in self-pity, but as preparation for the actions we must take to make repairs where we can.

In Step Nine, “We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” Step Nine asks us to be inspired to action to right the wrongs we have done in our lives. Amends can take many forms. Sometimes simply admitting our guilt and asking for forgiveness is enough. Other times we must do something more to bring our account balances back to zero. Returning what we have taken, monetarily or spiritually, is an important part of this step.

We may also simply make living amends, choosing to behave differently as we move throughout the world and interact with others in the future to honor the pain we have caused others by our past actions.

Tips to Regaining Trust With Loved Ones

There can never be too much preparation when looking to repair fractured relationships due to addiction; however, at some point, we must rip the band-aid off and be vulnerable. In fact, being vulnerable is one of our tips. Other helpful, easy-to-follow tips include:

• Show kindness and respect to the other person. Do not show contempt for them. Remember your part in the story.
• Show the other person that you trust them and can be trusted.
• Be straightforward and honest. Tell them what you mean and be truthful with it.
• Try to be emotionally available. Drugs and alcohol remove our ability to feel our emotions deeply. Showing your emotional availability indicates that you learned how to experience emotions honestly and no longer need to numb them with substances.
• Express selflessness. We are selfish in active addiction. Embody the gratitude and generous spirit you have cultivated in sobriety.

Early addiction recovery is a vulnerable time. Relapse is a threat, but it doesn’t have to be. Actively participating in recovery-based communities and programs strengthens your chances of remaining sober. We, at Real Recovery Sober Living, are a sober living home based in Florida’s Greater Tampa Bay area, that helps those who are recovering from drug or alcohol addictions. Knowing firsthand the effectiveness of 12-Step communities, we utilize them in our recovery program. By staying on track during the 12-Step process, you gain the ability to reclaim your life.

Long-term sobriety allows you to lead a long and fulfilling life, including repairing old relationships, bettering yourself through education or career, and improving your mental and physical health. The 12-Step process is a proven time-and-again method for getting sober. Surround yourself with a pleasant community and engage in fun activities at our facilities. Give us a call today if you are looking for help in recovery at (727) 290-9156.

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