How to Have Difficult Conversations With Your Sponsor

Some conversations are easy and enjoyable to have, and then there are those that you dread because the subject matter is complex. Vulnerability and brutal honesty are not always comfortable, and certain topics are just more difficult than others to bring up with your peers. You may do everything to delay these talks. Anticipation can sometimes be more frightening than the actual discussion itself. Often, those are the conversations that provide the most relief when eventually discussed with an open and understanding sponsor. Those conversations prove just how far you have come in your recovery.

Having the Courage to Speak Your Truth

When there is something difficult that you need to speak with your sponsor about, it can take a lot of courage to proceed. There are plenty of issues that you might prefer never to discuss, to keep hidden inside, yet you know that you need to talk about these things to heal.

Keeping specific thoughts, truths, and emotions inside can slowly eat away at you and lead to relapse. No matter how difficult some things may be to talk about, sometimes you need to have the courage to speak your truth. Your sponsor is the perfect person to share everything with, including those you dread discussing. Finding the courage to talk about them is also finding the courage to heal.

Maintaining a Relationship of Trust

Of all of your close friends and peers in recovery, you know that your sponsor is the one person you can trust implicitly. The very nature of your sponsor-sponsee relationship dictates that you should not hold anything back or keep any secrets from them. They are there to guide you in your recovery journey, listen to you, and be that person to confide in — they have earned and built that relationship of trust and rapport with you.

For your part, you also have to maintain their trust and keep your conversations with them confidential. While they are there to guide you, your relationship is still a mutually trusting relationship, or it would not work. Going into difficult conversations like these, keep in mind that you and your sponsor must have a strong bond and relationship of trust.

Preparing to Talk About Difficult Things

When you are having a casual conversation with friends, your thoughts are likely spontaneous, and you do not necessarily need to prepare what you are going to say ahead of time. However, when you give an important speech in public, you would want to prepare your thoughts in advance to make sure that they are organized, and you remember all of the important points you wanted to make.

Likewise, when you want to talk about complex topics with your sponsor, you can think about precisely what you want to talk about and how to organize and present your thoughts so that your words come out coherently. You will feel better about expressing yourself when you prepare for a difficult conversation.

How to Begin a Tough Conversation

How do you want to begin your conversation? Do you want to break the ice with a little bit of humor? Do you want to chat a little bit first about something else and then approach the complex parts? Or do you just want to get straight to the point? You know yourself and your sponsor, so be confident that you will know the best approach for your situation.

What should you say to begin the conversation? Do you need to give some back story? Or do you get straight to the point? Is there a particular way that you want to begin the conversation? Think about how you want to start and how you want to set the tone for the discussion.

Mapping Out What You Want to Communicate

Once you have a starting point, you can map out other points you wish to communicate on this subject. These points should not be excuses for your behavior or justification for something you did that was wrong. You know that you need to be accountable for your words and actions in recovery.

You can seek advice and input from your sponsor. For example, if you made or are trying to make an important decision, you might want to list the arguments for and the arguments against to weigh out the decision and get feedback from your sponsor.

If you have something from your past or something else you need to talk about or take responsibility for, you might want to discuss the consequences of your actions, how to make amends, or how to be accountable for what you said or did. Prepare now to map out exactly what you need to communicate.

Anticipating Your Sponsor’s Questions

Your sponsor will undoubtedly have questions about your conversation, and if you know them as well as you should, you will be able to anticipate some of their questions. Try to imagine what they will ask you. Go through every aspect of your conversation and consider what questions they will come up with to ask you when you discuss this topic with them.

They may still catch you off guard in their responses or with questions that you did not anticipate, but if you can try to come up with most of the questions they will ask of you, you will be more prepared when the actual conversation comes.

Preparing Responses to Potential Questions

Once you have an idea of what questions you may be asked, you can also prepare your possible responses to those questions. Think through what is crucial for you to cover this subject matter and how you want to respond to potential questions your sponsor will ask.

When there are difficult things to talk about, you may struggle to find anything to say, or you may talk about a lot of non-essential information. This preparation time helps you be prepared to have a balanced and rewarding discussion with your sponsor.

Being Prepared Can Calm Your Nerves

Difficult conversations can be nerve-wracking to begin. The anticipation is often the worst part. By preparing an idea of how to start the conversation and what you want to say and anticipating what your sponsor may ask you and the responses you could make, you should feel a lot more prepared and at least a little calmer about the process.

Another way to prepare is to turn the tables in your mind. What if you were the sponsor, and he came to you as the sponsee to have this conversation? How would you handle it? Would you be surprised? Would you feel helpful, compassionate, wise, confused, or awkward? What other types of feelings might you have? Think about how this conversation would make you feel in reverse. You will likely feel more confident and comfortable going into the conversation, knowing that you are both human beings. You are both peers, helping one another on the recovery path, and as your sponsor, he wants the best for you.

Picking Up the Phone to Set Up the Conversation

Once you have prepared the words you want to say, you should pick up your phone and call or text to set up a time to discuss. Yes, you should have a conversation like this in person, man to man, eye to eye. You cannot afford to have any miscommunications or dropped calls. Who knows, you may even need a hug at the end, if appropriate.

You may stare at your phone for a while, but you will have put the ball in motion when you finally get the courage and set up a time. Do not wait to pick up your phone. Even if it takes a while to set up a time or he is not available to have the conversation immediately, it is essential that you follow through right away.

Being True and Following Through

No matter how difficult it may be or how much you may anticipate this one conversation, you need to be true to yourself and follow through. Meet with your sponsor and have the conversation. Just get it over with. You have probably spent more time agonizing over how it will go than you will spend having the actual conversation. Following through will feel good in and of itself and will be half the battle.

Feeling the Relief When It’s All Out in the Open

The best part of this process is the relief you will feel when everything is out in the open and you have aired things out with your sponsor. You know that your sponsor is more than just a peer and is in recovery himself. He has been through everything with you so far to this point. He will be honest and open with you the same way you can be with him. To have everything out on the table brings a feeling of accomplishment, peace, and satisfaction.

Knowing that you can take a situation and topic like this and have a difficult conversation with your sponsor, express yourself, and communicate well, should make you feel very proud of yourself. For most people in recovery, this is a tremendous step forward. Being able to be vulnerable, accountable, and show up to the table to have a conversation like this shows that you are committed to yourself and your recovery.

Keeping It Real With Your Sponsor

Knowing that you can go to your sponsor at any time with any issues or discussions like this, no matter how difficult the conversation, is one of the best parts of having a sponsor. Being completely honest with him at all times will help to maintain that relationship and keep the trustworthiness mutual. In fact, having conversations like this will help build your relationship. Looking back, you will see that moments such as this will be what brought you closer together as friends and as peers. Remaining humble, teachable, and having challenging discussions keeps the relationship with your sponsor real.

Having difficult conversations with your sponsor can be daunting, but with preparation, you can find the strength to follow through and find the relief that comes from getting your feelings out. Building and maintaining a relationship of trust with your sponsor will help you have these types of conversations. Real Recovery Sober Living in Florida knows the importance of having a good relationship with your sponsor and being able to communicate with them. We offer experience, strength, and hope as you rebuild your life in recovery. Our men’s sober living homes are clean and affordable, and we create an environment with accountability and stability. Our mission is to provide a safe and stable recovery environment with a robust community support system to help men transition successfully into the REAL world. Call us today at (727) 290-9156 to find out if our program would be a good fit for your transition.