Becoming dependent on another individual to keep you motivated and accountable through recovery comes with many dangers. This may not seem likely to happen and it often goes unnoticed. It is important to be aware of the development of these relationships and utilize best practices to stray away from codependent relationships.
Harms of Codependency
It is important to understand the harms involved with codependent relationships. This type of relationship can have a major impact on your ability to succeed in recovery and prioritize yourself.
Increased Potential for Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is considered to be “the use of intentional verbal, psychological, or physical force by one family member to control another.” This definition outlines the aspect of control involved with domestic violence, which codependency can play into.
Codependency does not always signify the presence of domestic violence, however, it does often correlate. Extreme levels of codependency toward another individual allow for a power imbalance where they may wrest control. This control can bring out the worst in people at times, potentially leading them to engage in violent behaviors. While this is not always the case, it is a concern to be aware of.
Lack of Emotional Acknowledgement
A major concern of codependency is the lack of acknowledgment of your feelings and emotions. When you rely on another person, you may tend to think of terms in their best interest rather than your own. This engagement can influence you to dismiss your negative emotions and only feel concerned with how the other individual is feeling.
While it is important to address the feelings of your significant other, it is essential to keep yourself as a priority while in recovery. Focusing on the emotions of others takes away from your opportunity to do what is best for yourself. Acknowledging your emotions through recovery is essential to develop the skills you need to regulate your emotions and control your impulses outside of a sober living environment.
Enabling Addiction
Codependency may enable your addiction. Depending on the characteristics and goals of your significant other, they may encourage aspects of your substance use disorder to thrive. As you are working to counteract these effects, your partner may be influencing you to do the opposite.
Enabling addiction is not always easy to recognize. Your significant may enable your addiction by requiring you to spend more time with them, encouraging you to miss obligations in sober living, such as recovery-based meetings.
Your partner may act annoyed with your constant focus on your sobriety, feeling that you have turned your focus away from the relationship. These behaviors may influence you to give up recovery for your significant other, even if this was not their intention. It is important to ensure your significant other is rooting for you through your recovery journey, even if it is an inconvenience to them at times.
Lack of Balance
In Real Recovery’s sober living home, work is done beyond the frame of simple abstinence from substance use. You will be encouraged to establish the skills necessary to thrive in all areas of your life, creating a sense of balance.
Attempting to create this balance within a codependent relationship is extremely challenging, as a majority of your time and focus will be invested in your significant other. While making time for your partner is still important, it is also essential to ensure you are balancing work and hobbies alongside recovery.
If any aspect of your life should obtain a greater level of focus and commitment, it should be to your recovery. Relationships should not take priority over recovery at this time in your life. If your significant other is failing to understand this, it may be essential to stray away from dating for the time being. Allow yourself to establish a sense of balance within your life to build a strong foundation for yourself moving forward.
Recognizing Codependent Relationships
Codependency in relationships may be seen as an adverse effect of recovery from dependence upon substances. While you likely relied upon substances to overcome the stressors of your everyday life, you now need to focus on alternative measures to manage these moments.
It can be easy to depend on your significant other for assistance in coping. While they can be a great resource to utilize, it is important to ensure you develop the capabilities to regulate hardships on your own. This ability starts from being able to recognize a codependent relationship before you allow it to take control over you.
It Can Happen to Anyone
Realizing that codependency can happen to anyone is essential. A large portion of society believes that only women end up in a situation of codependency, where they are controlled by a man. However, there is no concrete gender role for codependency to occur. This can happen between a man and a woman in reversed roles or any other combination of relationships. Letting go of this stigma is important to ensure you are aware of the potential risk for yourself.
Behaviors to Watch For
Recognizing codependency is not always an easy task. There are some key behaviors to watch for that may signal the occurrence of a codependent relationship. Be aware of your significant other engaging in the following actions:
- Getting upset if you refuse their commands
- Aggressively giving advice
- Never returning favors
- Piling responsibilities on you
- Refraining from emotional support
- Shutting down issues when conflict is presented
This list of behaviors is only a small step in recognizing the onset of codependency. Be aware of your level of control within your relationship. Ensure you are receiving adequate support through your recovery journey. If your partner is insisting on you acting in a certain way or that you take on specific responsibilities, they may be attempting to take control of the relationship.
While it is important to give your share in a relationship, the expectations set forth should be fair to both individuals involved. If you feel that you are giving more than you are receiving, are unable to communicate these issues, or the blame is turned on you when conflict is presented, these are clear signs of codependency.
Examples of Codependency
Putting acts of codependency into examples is a great way to further your insight into what these relationships may look like. Think of a cell phone. In this day in age, most individuals have access to a phone. While they can be utilized for many things, we often become dependent upon them to give us directions, know the time, and stay in contact with others. The level of dependence upon cell phones is a different conversation; however, this example feeds into the relationship between a cell phone and a phone charger.
A phone cannot live without the presence of its charger. While it may be okay temporarily, eventually, it needs the charger around to function and essentially, stay alive. Codependent relationships work similarly. Each individual feels the need for the other’s presence to properly function. When their significant other isn’t around, they may feel lost or incapable of engaging in responsibilities on their own. This can be dangerous, and it forces you away from developing independence.
View Your Needs
It is also important to review your actions in determining levels of codependency. Do you feel that you are unable to be successful without the support of your significant other? Are the decisions you make your own or are they influenced by your partner? Do you feel that you can openly communicate with your partner?
Reflecting on these questions is a great way to understand if you are reliant upon your significant other. Codependency can be due to abuse within a relationship but can also occur from a lack of independence between individuals. If you notice that your needs are only being fulfilled by means of your partner rather than from within yourself, you may be involved in this type of relationship.
A common phrase goes like this: “You are unable to love someone else if you lack love for yourself.” This is true regarding independence as well. If you are unable to function on your own, your partner will not be able to pick up your pieces for you. A key skill in recovery is to develop a level of independence. Codependent relationships take away from your ability to make this happen.
Overcoming Codependency
Reviewing the behaviors involved with codependent relationships, you may find that you are involved in codependency. After realizing this, you may feel lost and unsure of where to go from here. When reaching this point, it can be challenging to move forward without the full support of your significant other.
The good news is, this realization does not necessarily mean that you need to end your relationship. There are many actions you can take to improve your relationship and stray away from a state of codependency. This does require a great deal of patience from both partners.
Determine the Potential
First, it is important to recognize if the relationship has the potential to change. If there are aspects of domestic violence and your partner is unwilling to change, you may need to let go of the relationship to prioritize your recovery. Feeling that your relationship is healthy and has the potential to contribute to your recovery success can encourage you to desire to resolve these factors of codependency.
If you decide your relationship is worth it to continue pursuing, it is important to recognize which parts of the relationship are codependent. Work to implement practices to focus on these areas of your life without the influence of your significant other. It may take time and patience to stray away from codependency, as the habit of relying on one another has been consistently reinforced. Despite the challenge ahead of you, it is possible to restructure your relationship to benefit both individuals involved.
Accept Responsibility
It can be easy to blame your partner when you recognize the signs of codependency within your relationship. Step back and consider how your involvement allowed this to occur. Oftentimes, codependency occurs from both individuals being dependent on one another and not living for themselves anymore. Accept responsibility for your part in this to allow yourself to move forward with a healthy mindset.
Codependency can be dangerous within relationships, especially during the early stages of recovery. It is a natural response to rely upon your partner to continue your sobriety maintenance. However, this dependence on your partner may guide you back into the cycle of addiction again. Regardless of their support in your recovery, codependency can set you up for failure if problems develop within the relationship itself. It is important to ensure you have the skills necessary to regulate hardships on your own. There will likely be situations where you do not have the direct support of your significant other and need to rely on self-confidence. To learn more about straying away from codependency, contact Real Recovery Sober Living at (727) 290-9156.
