Addiction can destroy many things; one of the most common is your self-esteem. From external messages brought upon by stigma and judgment to internal messages of shame, guilt, and self-loathing, it is difficult to come through addiction with your self-esteem unscathed. Recovering your self-esteem and learning to rebuild it can seem next to impossible. However, there is an art to rebuilding self-esteem after addiction.
Men and Self-Esteem: Things Men Don’t Talk About
Self-esteem is one subject that, if men talked more about, could help reduce stress and even save lives. Oxford Languages define self-esteem as “Confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect.” Therefore, self-esteem is something that impacts all aspects of your life.
Self-esteem directly affects your relationships with family, friends, and romantic partners. Your education and employment are also directly impacted. How you live and your quality of life is also impacted by your self-esteem.
When you have negative self-esteem, particularly after addiction, it can lower your success rate in all areas of your life. This can lead to depression and even suicide. That is why it is so important to be willing to speak up and talk about self-esteem and how it is affecting you. When you talk about it, you give yourself permission to change it.
Learning to Truly Forgive Yourself
Saying the words “I forgive myself” can be helpful, but truly forgiving yourself for everything you have been holding onto inside can be very difficult for most people. Guilt and shame are very powerful, and they convince you that you cannot or must not forgive yourself and that you are not worthy of self-forgiveness.
None of those things are true, though. You are worth it. Guilt and shame are not serving you any productive purpose. Rather, they are keeping you from moving forward. There are actually many benefits of forgiving yourself.
One perspective that people often forget is that they would gladly and easily forgive a friend for doing the same thing. Why not forgive yourself? Why are you harder on yourself than your friend? Why not treat yourself just like you would a friend?
You deserve the same love and respect for yourself that you offer to others. This is true of forgiveness. Give yourself the same clean slate that you would give to those you love most.
What It Means to Let Go of the Past
Letting go of the past is difficult. You may be able to forgive, but not forget. Not forgetting is intentional, as you are meant to learn from your mistakes. However, there is a difference between learning from your mistakes and hanging onto your mistakes. Learning from your mistakes is understanding that something happened and gaining wisdom from the situation, but leaving all of the blame and guilt behind.
Hanging onto the past involves holding onto guilt and blame, possibly replaying the event in your mind from time to time, and not being willing to let go of that past. This is dangerous because in doing so you skip the step of self-forgiveness.
When you hang onto past mistakes, they will continue to erode your self-esteem, and you may not be able to have complete confidence in yourself at anything you do. On the flip side, by truly letting go of the past, you allow yourself to heal, and you are becoming a master of the art of rebuilding your self-esteem.
Finding Self-Acceptance in Healing
Another aspect of rebuilding self-esteem is self-acceptance. It is crucial to self-acceptance to understand that who you are incudes all of your wonderful traits and those that you do not like as much. Being willing to understand and accept who you are no matter what you may have done, or not done, in the past is also important.
As with everything in life, there are things that can be changed and things that cannot. The past cannot be changed. Certain genetic traits cannot be changed. Those things must be accepted. Going forward, you have the power to change your future, but you will be more empowered to initiate that change when you have learned to fully accept yourself for who you are and what you have done during your healing process.
Self-Talk: Changing Your Narrative
Much of the ongoing damage to your self-esteem may be caused by the constant barrage of negative self-talk that you may not even be aware of. Every time you have a negative thought or entertain a negative thought from an external source, it impacts your self-esteem. Each thought builds up cumulatively until your mind has mountains of evidence stacked against you.
How do you change the tide of this evidence? You must first be aware of those thoughts and all of the self-talk when they happen. When you are aware of the narrative, you have the power to change it.
When you have a negative thought, you need to replace it with a positive thought immediately. This can seem very foreign at first, and very difficult for some people, especially if you have sent a steady stream of negative messages to yourself your entire life.
However, as you work to change your narrative, you will realize that the positive messages are, in fact, true. They will resonate with you, and you will feel the change in your body. Your confidence will grow, and as a result, your self-esteem will improve. There is a bit of an art to this, but you do not have to be a master artist to change your narrative.
Pay Attention to Your Focus
Where is your focus? Do you focus on the things you do right? Is your focus on the things you do wrong? As human beings, it is natural to focus on errors because errors are what endangers us and make us prone to accidents or injuries. However, on any given day, if you have survived this long, you do far more things right than you do wrong. Your mind may be telling you the opposite, but that is simply your focus.
Changing your focus and acknowledging what you do right or do well helps you put mistakes or errors into the proper perspective. Your errors do not define you. Your mistakes do not define your character. When you truly put things into perspective, you are more successful than not. Your self-esteem will be more accurate if you are correctly aiming your focus and perspective and giving equal time to the things you do right.
Reward Yourself for the Good Things
Another way to help restore your self-esteem is to reward yourself for the good things that you do. After having spent so much time punishing yourself for things you judge as bad, why not flip the tables and spend some time honoring the things you think are good?
Recovery is not easy. Every baby step you take deserves to be acknowledged. On those really hard days, sometimes even the small and seemingly simple tasks may have been the biggest and hardest for you.
These are the times when you should take a moment to acknowledge yourself for coming through for yourself and doing good things. No one else may know or ever understand just how truly difficult your challenges are, but you do. Take the time to reward yourself by giving yourself a pat on the back, a smile, or a special moment to celebrate that you have done good things.
The Importance of Eliminating Negative Thinking
Simply overriding your negative thoughts will help, but it is not enough. Your goal should be to eliminate negative thinking altogether. Your thoughts help determine both the way you see yourself and the way you see the world. More importantly, negative thought patterns can directly lead to relapse. Removing these patterns can be helpful in your success in recovery.
Therapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, can help you address your thinking patterns and how they influence your feelings and your actions. Becoming more aware of how your thoughts impact your feelings will help you address these patterns and repair the damage to your self-esteem from negative thinking.
The Power of Using Positive Affirmations
Another way to rebuild your self-esteem is through the use of positive affirmations. While at first, this may seem like a strange and even uncomfortable practice, the benefits of positive affirmations have been demonstrated. If the principle of “You are what you eat” can be applied to your physical health, the same principle, “You are what you think,” can definitely apply to your mental wellness.
Positive affirmations are simple, positive statements about yourself, such as:
- I am strong
- I love myself for who I am
- I am worthy
- I believe in myself
- I am proud of myself
These affirmations can be anything you want. You will know what you need to hear repeated the most. Write them down, and use an app or reminder on your phone to view or listen to them throughout the day. In addition, you can post them in conspicuous places at home. Make sure you are giving yourself positive messages throughout your day.
Creating Realistic Expectations for Success
One self-esteem challenge is making sure that you are giving yourself the opportunity to succeed. By creating realistic expectations for yourself, you ensure that opportunity.
For example, imagine entering treatment expecting that all of your problems would be solved in 30 days and you would never have a craving or temptation to use substances again. This expectation is simply not realistic and likely to leave you feeling disappointed and negatively affect your self-esteem.
A more realistic thought would be that if you do the work necessary to successfully complete residential treatment, you would take the next step, such as enrolling in a sober living program. This type of expectation allows you to be successful and feel good about yourself.
Make No Comparisons: There Is Only One You
Finally, when it comes to your self-esteem, remember that there is only one you. It is unfair to compare yourself to others. Each person and their circumstances are unique, and thus you cannot judge yourself in comparison to anyone else.
Everyone has different paths and different challenges in their lives. You are the only one with your distinct circumstances, strengths, and weaknesses. Your self-esteem cannot be judged based on anyone else’s journey. Do yourself a favor and learn the art of rebuilding your self-esteem by looking inward, not outward.
Rebuilding your self-esteem after addiction can be challenging, but not impossible. By focusing on self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, and changing the narrative of your self-talk, you can help to change a lifetime of unnecessary pain. When you change your focus, get rid of negative thinking, and use positive affirmations, you flip the script in your head toward a more realistic view of yourself. At Real Recovery Sober Living, we want to help you learn the art of rebuilding your self-esteem. We offer experience, strength, hope, and stability as you rebuild your life in recovery. Our sober living homes for men create a community support system that can help you transition from treatment back into the real world. Our modern apartments are affordable and offer you the opportunity to learn accountability in recovery and build strong friendships with others who are also new to recovery. Contact us today at (727) 290-9156.
